Crista was a 35-year old successful designer, who worked in the same design firm for ten years. After a change in management, Crista experienced increased frustration with Colleen, her direct supervisor’s treatment of her. Colleen contacted Crista outside of working hours with expectations and demands not previously discussed, criticized Crista’s work in the office, and questioned her qualifications and creative aptitude necessary for the job.
Crista continued to meet the communicated expectations, but began experiencing difficulty falling asleep, a lack of motivation, irritability with her loved ones, lack of interest in relationships and hobbies, and an overall feeling of hopelessness and confusion. When criticized in the office by her direct supervisor, Crista experienced fear, confusion, and doubt. These feelings manifested themselves in her inability to respond appropriately or assertively to her supervisor’s accusations.
Crista entered therapy in order to work through her symptoms of depression. She and her therapist explored the feelings she experienced when her boss criticized her. They identified immobilization as Crista’s primary response, due to a fear of further angering her boss. In subsequent therapy sessions, Crista and her therapist discussed childhood experiences, specifically the relationship with her mother and father. Crista shared details of her mother’s critical nature toward her, specifically related to Crista’s artistic hobbies, such as painting and fashion design. Due to her desire to please her mother, Crista pursued activities of which her mother approved and kept her feelings of discouragement to herself. This became Crista’s pattern in working with critical people, resulting in her inability to respond effectively to her boss’ critical remarks in her work.
The dynamic taking place here occurs frequently in the work place. Crista’s boss Colleen displays narcissistic tendencies in her responses, and Crista struggles to cope with the criticism. In therapy she learns effective ways to interact with her boss, in order to achieve a more satisfactory working relationship. 
Narcissistic dynamics frequently originate in childhood and show up on a spectrum of intensity throughout one’s lifetime. Many people display at least mild narcissistic dynamics in various forms and relationships. Effective socialization provides opportunities for people to manage these narcissistic traits in themselves. Children receive a sense of security, identity, and meaning from parents. If this is not provided, though, they may continue seeking it all the way into adulthood, sometimes in unhealthy ways and at the expense of others. Without a stable sense of self or ability to hold strengths and weaknesses together into a holistic understanding of oneself, an individual with more obvious narcissistic traits often projects these insecurities onto others. In the case of Crista and Colleen, Colleen projected her narcissistic insecurities onto Crista.
Here are ways Crista could have effectively dealt with the criticism and narcissistic projections occurring in the work place:

1. Establish clarity regarding expectations. Sometimes it is easy to feel intimidated when confronted with narcissistic behavior. It is important to remember, though, that people who display narcissism are often quite insecure and unsure of themselves. The best way to clarify expectations is by saying something like: “I am hearing that this is what you expect. Here is how I understand it. Can you confirm that for me? Or am I missing something?” If they respond with criticism or personal attack, a good response is, “I am primarily interested in what needs to be done to achieve the desired result of this project. Did you have specific expectations in mind?” 
2. Do not confront their narcissism or respond defensively. It is likely that the defensive/attack dynamic is familiar from childhood and may trigger a negative response. The most effective approach is to walk away and remind yourself of who you are apart from what you may be feeling in your difficult interaction. The topic can be revisited later. If you need an exit strategy, say something like, “I actually have a lot that needs to get done right now. Can we continue this conversation later?” Try to keep your emotions out of it because the vulnerability may also be a trigger for a negative reaction from the narcissist.
3. Depending on the level of severity of the narcissistic behavior, try and harness some compassion. It may help to imagine what the individual must have endured as a child to begin behaving in this way. Allow this to guide your response. Maybe say something like, “I can see you working really hard to make sure things run smoothly in this office. I appreciate that, and I admire your commitment to the company.” Often times when you compliment someone with a narcissistic personality, it disarms the situation because you have just given the individual what was missed from childhood. Now, this does not mean that you can be best friends with this person. In fact, it is probably important in a work situation with this person to remain guarded. However, you have learned how to disarm him or her and may experience more success in future interactions. 
4. Know when to report the person to HR or leave the job completely. As I mentioned before, there is a spectrum to narcissism. You may encounter one who has good intentions, but a low tolerance for any indication of wrong doing or criticism. This can be managed appropriately without HR. When someone with a narcissistic personality begins making character accusations and attacks, blatant racist or prejudiced remarks, or sexual harassment behavior, these are situations that must be reported. If you encounter a situation like this, seek out a close friend or mentor at the work place and share your concerns.

Colleen’s narcissism was probably somewhere in between the critical supervisor who can be approached without HR involvement and the supervisor who needs formal intervention. Due to Crista’s childhood experiences with her critical mother, she had to seek out therapeutic help before realizing the reason for her feelings of depression. Following the insight gained in therapy, she was able to gain deeper understanding for the reasons for her difficulties and how to effectively deal with the situation. Crista did approach HR with her concerns, and the supervisor received a formal remediation plan. Her actions in the situation increased her self-efficacy and resulted in the ability to act assertively in her other relationships as well.

A single mother raised her three children with values of responsibility, education, hard work, community, and family. Due to being the sole earner in the family, she worked two jobs and had little time to spend with her children. She felt guilty for the lack of time she had with them and overcompensated by cleaning the house, preparing meals, and doing their laundry, in order to reduce stress on them. Now that they are young adults and still living in her home, she feels exasperated and unappreciated. 
For reasons of desiring stability for her children, she chose to not date when they were young. Now that they are adults, the mother finds herself feeling depressed, lonely, and overwhelmed. She begins sharing these feelings of frustration with her adult children, who respond with avoidance and increasing distance. She on the other hand starts to experience resentment, the temptation to stop investing in the lives of her children and gives up hope for closeness with them.
Parents have various reasons for feeling distant from their adult children. As a clinician, one of the main things I find in my work is a parent’s frustration when their adult children waiver from or question the belief system in which they were raised. The parents feel confused and question what they might have done wrong or could have done differently in order for their children to remain faithful to the values with which they were raised. 
Because of the generational gap, one of the most common stressors encountered by parents is their young adult children choosing different values from them. This is often due to influences outside of the home and the normal developmental process of establishing independence and separating from the family of origin. This process begins to occur in adolescence, which can be very challenging for parents who are balancing the need to care and nurture their children, while also providing a certain amount of freedom. Although adolescents and young adults may explore different belief systems for a number of years (identity moratorium), in later years (especially if they choose to have children), they often return to appreciate the value and belief system in which they were raised. 
Let’s return to the single mother. While her children were young, she made every sacrifice and effort to impart a strong and consistent value system onto her children. Without the presence and support of their father, though, and the natural separation that occurs with development, the children no longer express interest in attending church and engage in activities that concern the mother. Her lectures to her children seem to create further distance, and she senses that they share less with her over time. She experiences increased grief and symptoms of depression, withdrawing even more from her children and the few outside connections she has. As mentioned above, the separation process is a natural developmental occurrence and often discouraging even for households in which the parents are still married. For single parents, though, it can be especially discouraging. Without support, it may be difficult to know how to respond in an effective way to older adolescents and young adults. 
Here are some ways to increase closeness with your adult children and communicate your love and care:

1. Express interest in their lives. You can do this by getting to know the people who are important to them, attending events related to their interests, and asking questions. 
2. Withhold judgment. When older children are processing lessons from childhood and outside influences, it is very important to take a curious, observational stance and wait for them to come to you. Although it is tempting to share your concerns, their egos are very fragile and more likely to take a defensive stance, rather than be open to your concerns. 
3. Be present and available. This is key to demonstrating that your love for them is not dependent on the choices they make. With this understanding, they may feel more free and open to share with you their hurts and fears, which will likely increase closeness.
4. Model a sense of stability in your belief system. In demonstration of confidence in your beliefs, they will see that the values with which you raised them have purpose, meaning, consistency, and longevity. No matter how far they may stray, they know that your values will remain firm. At times, they may criticize you for not “staying with the times.” It may also be difficult to have conversations about certain topics, and there may be times when you both avoid certain discussions in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Your integrity and consistency lived out during this process will prove to be more meaningful than the changing opinions they acquire elsewhere. 

Annie grew up with a strict father who often became aggressive toward Annie and her siblings as well as her mother. Her mother felt guilty, but powerless against her father. As a result, she took a permissive approach to parenting and allowed Annie and her siblings to make their own decisions without consequences or guidance. Annie grew up with more freedom than most of her friends, but felt aimless in life, fearful of a home with an angry father and mother who seemed unable to protect her. As she entered adulthood, her friends all had plans to go to college. Annie felt burdened by indecision and longed for stability, but didn’t know how to find it or what it might look like. 
A stable home is essential to establishing a solid identity, which is something Annie clearly lacked. It is likely she experienced self-doubt when needing to make decisions specifically about relationships and vocation because she didn’t have a clear sense of her identity. 
Identity begins in childhood when our parents provide structure, freedom to explore, comfort, discipline, protection, and communicate a deep knowing of who we are. In this article, I am going to suggest how adults can guide younger people into gaining a sense of identity that can withstand the inevitable difficulties and heartbreaks in life. 
A loss of identity is often discovered in young adulthood, but the beginning of the loss likely begins in early childhood. As with many things, there is hope, and identity can be established later in life, even if one lacked the foundation of identity in childhood.
The necessary ingredients for a sturdy identity:

1. Children need structure and guidance from adults they feel are respectable, sturdy, and good. Children are wildly observant. They notice the steady, consistent adult figures in their lives, and they will want to learn from these people. If this ingredient was lacking in one’s childhood, it is important to ensure that actions are consistent with values and reflect an individual’s goals in life. Without a stable identity, it is so easy to mold oneself to the values of others around us in the hopes of gaining approval and like ability. This, however, often leads to confusion and cognitive dissonance if one realizes their decisions reflect the thoughts and feelings of others around them more than their own values and needs. This is not to exclude the importance of guidance from respected friends and family members, but to receive information in a careful and thoughtful manner. 
2. Children need to feel genuinely safe to explore their environment and know they are being watched and protected. Whether at a park, home, church, or school, children need to feel safe to make mistakes, disobey, and ask questions. Safety sometimes comes in the form of discipline, too. They need to know that there are wiser and stronger adults in their lives who will correct and discipline them when necessary. If this was an ingredient lacking in childhood for you or someone you know, the best approach is to encourage exploration of interests, seek feedback from trusted others, and recognize where interests and skills come together. 
3. Children need to LEARN from their PARENTS’ values and fully understand the logic and meaning behind these values. They need to know there is purpose behind the things they are learning, in order to know that life has some measure of predictability and order. Without a foundation of values to guide life decisions, young people flounder when encountering the plethora of beliefs and values present in the world. Additionally, when these values are not explained or questions are not answered, young people may later question the beliefs they learned in childhood and try to find a value system more meaningful to the self. The best way to remedy this is to help young people in your life find a value or belief system that seems to provide them with peace, meaning, stability, and community.
4. Children need encouragement and for adults in their lives to reflect what they notice about these little ones. This is done by observing them and voicing what they see, so children know the adults in their lives notice and care. 

These ingredients are likely to stabilize identity. Due to unpredictable circumstances that occur outside the home and individual differences, though, many of the suggestions provided above may have to be more actively sought out from trusted adults, close friends, and/or a romantic partner even later in life.
Self-exploration is also necessary, as well as a sort of inventory of one’s past experiences, including joys, struggles, heartbreak, and mistakes. Many young adults seek out therapy right about this time, when they feel a loss of identity and unsure of how to put all the broken pieces together and make sense of the good and bad experiences.
Whether or not therapy is something you or your loved one has access to, the tips provided above can help guide you toward a greater understanding of the foundation necessary for establishing a strong identity and gaining insight into a purpose that naturally flows from one’s identity.