Relational Identity

Annie grew up with a strict father who often became aggressive toward Annie and her siblings as well as her mother. Her mother felt guilty, but powerless against her father. As a result, she took a permissive approach to parenting and allowed Annie and her siblings to make their own decisions without consequences or guidance. Annie grew up with more freedom than most of her friends, but felt aimless in life, fearful of a home with an angry father and mother who seemed unable to protect her. As she entered adulthood, her friends all had plans to go to college. Annie felt burdened by indecision and longed for stability, but didn’t know how to find it or what it might look like. 
A stable home is essential to establishing a solid identity, which is something Annie clearly lacked. It is likely she experienced self-doubt when needing to make decisions specifically about relationships and vocation because she didn’t have a clear sense of her identity. 
Identity begins in childhood when our parents provide structure, freedom to explore, comfort, discipline, protection, and communicate a deep knowing of who we are. In this article, I am going to suggest how adults can guide younger people into gaining a sense of identity that can withstand the inevitable difficulties and heartbreaks in life. 
A loss of identity is often discovered in young adulthood, but the beginning of the loss likely begins in early childhood. As with many things, there is hope, and identity can be established later in life, even if one lacked the foundation of identity in childhood.
The necessary ingredients for a sturdy identity:

1. Children need structure and guidance from adults they feel are respectable, sturdy, and good. Children are wildly observant. They notice the steady, consistent adult figures in their lives, and they will want to learn from these people. If this ingredient was lacking in one’s childhood, it is important to ensure that actions are consistent with values and reflect an individual’s goals in life. Without a stable identity, it is so easy to mold oneself to the values of others around us in the hopes of gaining approval and like ability. This, however, often leads to confusion and cognitive dissonance if one realizes their decisions reflect the thoughts and feelings of others around them more than their own values and needs. This is not to exclude the importance of guidance from respected friends and family members, but to receive information in a careful and thoughtful manner. 
2. Children need to feel genuinely safe to explore their environment and know they are being watched and protected. Whether at a park, home, church, or school, children need to feel safe to make mistakes, disobey, and ask questions. Safety sometimes comes in the form of discipline, too. They need to know that there are wiser and stronger adults in their lives who will correct and discipline them when necessary. If this was an ingredient lacking in childhood for you or someone you know, the best approach is to encourage exploration of interests, seek feedback from trusted others, and recognize where interests and skills come together. 
3. Children need to LEARN from their PARENTS’ values and fully understand the logic and meaning behind these values. They need to know there is purpose behind the things they are learning, in order to know that life has some measure of predictability and order. Without a foundation of values to guide life decisions, young people flounder when encountering the plethora of beliefs and values present in the world. Additionally, when these values are not explained or questions are not answered, young people may later question the beliefs they learned in childhood and try to find a value system more meaningful to the self. The best way to remedy this is to help young people in your life find a value or belief system that seems to provide them with peace, meaning, stability, and community.
4. Children need encouragement and for adults in their lives to reflect what they notice about these little ones. This is done by observing them and voicing what they see, so children know the adults in their lives notice and care. 

These ingredients are likely to stabilize identity. Due to unpredictable circumstances that occur outside the home and individual differences, though, many of the suggestions provided above may have to be more actively sought out from trusted adults, close friends, and/or a romantic partner even later in life.
Self-exploration is also necessary, as well as a sort of inventory of one’s past experiences, including joys, struggles, heartbreak, and mistakes. Many young adults seek out therapy right about this time, when they feel a loss of identity and unsure of how to put all the broken pieces together and make sense of the good and bad experiences.
Whether or not therapy is something you or your loved one has access to, the tips provided above can help guide you toward a greater understanding of the foundation necessary for establishing a strong identity and gaining insight into a purpose that naturally flows from one’s identity.