Interacting with Adult Children

A single mother raised her three children with values of responsibility, education, hard work, community, and family. Due to being the sole earner in the family, she worked two jobs and had little time to spend with her children. She felt guilty for the lack of time she had with them and overcompensated by cleaning the house, preparing meals, and doing their laundry, in order to reduce stress on them. Now that they are young adults and still living in her home, she feels exasperated and unappreciated. 
For reasons of desiring stability for her children, she chose to not date when they were young. Now that they are adults, the mother finds herself feeling depressed, lonely, and overwhelmed. She begins sharing these feelings of frustration with her adult children, who respond with avoidance and increasing distance. She on the other hand starts to experience resentment, the temptation to stop investing in the lives of her children and gives up hope for closeness with them.
Parents have various reasons for feeling distant from their adult children. As a clinician, one of the main things I find in my work is a parent’s frustration when their adult children waiver from or question the belief system in which they were raised. The parents feel confused and question what they might have done wrong or could have done differently in order for their children to remain faithful to the values with which they were raised. 
Because of the generational gap, one of the most common stressors encountered by parents is their young adult children choosing different values from them. This is often due to influences outside of the home and the normal developmental process of establishing independence and separating from the family of origin. This process begins to occur in adolescence, which can be very challenging for parents who are balancing the need to care and nurture their children, while also providing a certain amount of freedom. Although adolescents and young adults may explore different belief systems for a number of years (identity moratorium), in later years (especially if they choose to have children), they often return to appreciate the value and belief system in which they were raised. 
Let’s return to the single mother. While her children were young, she made every sacrifice and effort to impart a strong and consistent value system onto her children. Without the presence and support of their father, though, and the natural separation that occurs with development, the children no longer express interest in attending church and engage in activities that concern the mother. Her lectures to her children seem to create further distance, and she senses that they share less with her over time. She experiences increased grief and symptoms of depression, withdrawing even more from her children and the few outside connections she has. As mentioned above, the separation process is a natural developmental occurrence and often discouraging even for households in which the parents are still married. For single parents, though, it can be especially discouraging. Without support, it may be difficult to know how to respond in an effective way to older adolescents and young adults. 
Here are some ways to increase closeness with your adult children and communicate your love and care:

1. Express interest in their lives. You can do this by getting to know the people who are important to them, attending events related to their interests, and asking questions. 
2. Withhold judgment. When older children are processing lessons from childhood and outside influences, it is very important to take a curious, observational stance and wait for them to come to you. Although it is tempting to share your concerns, their egos are very fragile and more likely to take a defensive stance, rather than be open to your concerns. 
3. Be present and available. This is key to demonstrating that your love for them is not dependent on the choices they make. With this understanding, they may feel more free and open to share with you their hurts and fears, which will likely increase closeness.
4. Model a sense of stability in your belief system. In demonstration of confidence in your beliefs, they will see that the values with which you raised them have purpose, meaning, consistency, and longevity. No matter how far they may stray, they know that your values will remain firm. At times, they may criticize you for not “staying with the times.” It may also be difficult to have conversations about certain topics, and there may be times when you both avoid certain discussions in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Your integrity and consistency lived out during this process will prove to be more meaningful than the changing opinions they acquire elsewhere.