Working with Narcissistic Colleagues or Managers

Crista was a 35-year old successful designer, who worked in the same design firm for ten years. After a change in management, Crista experienced increased frustration with Colleen, her direct supervisor’s treatment of her. Colleen contacted Crista outside of working hours with expectations and demands not previously discussed, criticized Crista’s work in the office, and questioned her qualifications and creative aptitude necessary for the job.
Crista continued to meet the communicated expectations, but began experiencing difficulty falling asleep, a lack of motivation, irritability with her loved ones, lack of interest in relationships and hobbies, and an overall feeling of hopelessness and confusion. When criticized in the office by her direct supervisor, Crista experienced fear, confusion, and doubt. These feelings manifested themselves in her inability to respond appropriately or assertively to her supervisor’s accusations.
Crista entered therapy in order to work through her symptoms of depression. She and her therapist explored the feelings she experienced when her boss criticized her. They identified immobilization as Crista’s primary response, due to a fear of further angering her boss. In subsequent therapy sessions, Crista and her therapist discussed childhood experiences, specifically the relationship with her mother and father. Crista shared details of her mother’s critical nature toward her, specifically related to Crista’s artistic hobbies, such as painting and fashion design. Due to her desire to please her mother, Crista pursued activities of which her mother approved and kept her feelings of discouragement to herself. This became Crista’s pattern in working with critical people, resulting in her inability to respond effectively to her boss’ critical remarks in her work.
The dynamic taking place here occurs frequently in the work place. Crista’s boss Colleen displays narcissistic tendencies in her responses, and Crista struggles to cope with the criticism. In therapy she learns effective ways to interact with her boss, in order to achieve a more satisfactory working relationship. 
Narcissistic dynamics frequently originate in childhood and show up on a spectrum of intensity throughout one’s lifetime. Many people display at least mild narcissistic dynamics in various forms and relationships. Effective socialization provides opportunities for people to manage these narcissistic traits in themselves. Children receive a sense of security, identity, and meaning from parents. If this is not provided, though, they may continue seeking it all the way into adulthood, sometimes in unhealthy ways and at the expense of others. Without a stable sense of self or ability to hold strengths and weaknesses together into a holistic understanding of oneself, an individual with more obvious narcissistic traits often projects these insecurities onto others. In the case of Crista and Colleen, Colleen projected her narcissistic insecurities onto Crista.
Here are ways Crista could have effectively dealt with the criticism and narcissistic projections occurring in the work place:

1. Establish clarity regarding expectations. Sometimes it is easy to feel intimidated when confronted with narcissistic behavior. It is important to remember, though, that people who display narcissism are often quite insecure and unsure of themselves. The best way to clarify expectations is by saying something like: “I am hearing that this is what you expect. Here is how I understand it. Can you confirm that for me? Or am I missing something?” If they respond with criticism or personal attack, a good response is, “I am primarily interested in what needs to be done to achieve the desired result of this project. Did you have specific expectations in mind?” 
2. Do not confront their narcissism or respond defensively. It is likely that the defensive/attack dynamic is familiar from childhood and may trigger a negative response. The most effective approach is to walk away and remind yourself of who you are apart from what you may be feeling in your difficult interaction. The topic can be revisited later. If you need an exit strategy, say something like, “I actually have a lot that needs to get done right now. Can we continue this conversation later?” Try to keep your emotions out of it because the vulnerability may also be a trigger for a negative reaction from the narcissist.
3. Depending on the level of severity of the narcissistic behavior, try and harness some compassion. It may help to imagine what the individual must have endured as a child to begin behaving in this way. Allow this to guide your response. Maybe say something like, “I can see you working really hard to make sure things run smoothly in this office. I appreciate that, and I admire your commitment to the company.” Often times when you compliment someone with a narcissistic personality, it disarms the situation because you have just given the individual what was missed from childhood. Now, this does not mean that you can be best friends with this person. In fact, it is probably important in a work situation with this person to remain guarded. However, you have learned how to disarm him or her and may experience more success in future interactions. 
4. Know when to report the person to HR or leave the job completely. As I mentioned before, there is a spectrum to narcissism. You may encounter one who has good intentions, but a low tolerance for any indication of wrong doing or criticism. This can be managed appropriately without HR. When someone with a narcissistic personality begins making character accusations and attacks, blatant racist or prejudiced remarks, or sexual harassment behavior, these are situations that must be reported. If you encounter a situation like this, seek out a close friend or mentor at the work place and share your concerns.

Colleen’s narcissism was probably somewhere in between the critical supervisor who can be approached without HR involvement and the supervisor who needs formal intervention. Due to Crista’s childhood experiences with her critical mother, she had to seek out therapeutic help before realizing the reason for her feelings of depression. Following the insight gained in therapy, she was able to gain deeper understanding for the reasons for her difficulties and how to effectively deal with the situation. Crista did approach HR with her concerns, and the supervisor received a formal remediation plan. Her actions in the situation increased her self-efficacy and resulted in the ability to act assertively in her other relationships as well.